It is often at this time when both of the kids are asleep and usually I'l spend a moment watching them sleep and today,just now, naturally that big thump of feeling just come out of nowhere --regret, mixed feeling.

My eldest one today went to nap with his tears still a droplet at the corner of the eye. Resulted from a tantrum lasted around half an hour before he managed to fall asleep. This two --going on three year old boy threw a fit only because I wouldnt let him extend his screen time. It was supposed to be his nap time. He opted for youtube instead and promised me he wants only 10 seconds of it. I let him, which is probably a mistake (knowing that 10 secs is not enough). And after slowly counting to 10 seconds, I claimed what is rightfully due. I told him that his 10 secs is up. He doesnt take it well, obviously. He cried and cried and wouldnt let me console him in any other way , he even took off his pants & diapers probably to piss me off further. I told him to put it back on and after a few unsuccessful attempts, i got mad and walked away from the room carrying Maryam with me. Maybe I shouldve just put the diaper on him myself , but I wanted him to know what he did was wrong. and be responsible for it. (maybe it wasnt such a good idea to teach him responsibility -- wrong timing, wrong age?, idk) 

But then, after a few minutes things have settle down, and seeing him asleep like this, still sobbing. I couldnt help but feel, what an awful, horrible mother i've been. It was so painful seeing him upset, and going to sleep maybe still upset over what has happened. But i did the right thing didnt I? no? 

I have no idea what is right and what is wrong in parenting. Im still new to motherhood. But I know my son well , and I hope what I'm doing is right for him and his overall development. Praying hard. I couldve just let him get away with what he wanted and still be ok with it, but that will only make him a spoilt brat, and i dont want that. I would rather sacrifice my desire to spoil him (and maybe losing his preference over me?) and have a polished , good man as a son in the future. InsyaAllah. 

--

Help from above

I just sent the kids to their babysitter, and currently having post emo-traumatic episode.. 

My elder son is having a hard time adapting to his new babysitter. Maryam on the other hand is doing fine. Everyday when i'm driving with the kids and reaching the babysitter's house ammar will cry and say "taknak taknak" and that instantly made my heart ache so i stopped my car by the road and calmed him down. I told him he has to take care of his baby sister and dont leave her alone at babysitter's house, to play with his friends, play with the toys, watch tv, mama would pick them up at 5pm, mama need to go to work, and bla di blaa. But he insists on saying "taknak taknak"

And it gets worse when we arrived. He doesnt want to get out of the car! One hand of me is holding their bag, and another hand cradles the baby. And thats it, i have only two hands. I cant possibly leave ammar in the car alone send maryam first , although i did have that kind of thought 😅 

But then truly, fainna ma'al usri yusra. with hardship comes ease. Theres this auntie cleaner. She saw me struggling and she offered help. She picked ammar up from his carseat and brought him in the lift together with me and maryam. Until i managed to arrive at the babysitter's house. And she continued to do this daily whenever theres a chance. I couldnt thank her enough. Alhamdulillah, glory be to Allah, thank you Allah for sending me your help in a form of another human being with kind heart.. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.. may Allah ease her daily errands.. aamiin

Ring a bell, from a hadith; "Wallahu fi aunil abdi ma kaanal abdu fi auni akhihi.."

Allah akan membantu seorang hamba sebagaimana ia membantu saudaranya..

Semoga sentiasa diberkati Allah, makcik...

320am

It's 3.20am in the morning. Woken up and cant get back to sleep. All these thoughts running in my head like crazzzy and i ended up feeling guilty to my kids, and finding myself kissing hugging them and saying "im sorry" to them while they are heavily sleeping. 

Im sorry that i am not the best mama to both of you, i am sorry im full of flaws and imperfections.. sometimes when mama is stressed out one of you tend to get ignored ..especially the times when you need my attention.. im sorry i feel like i cant give you 120% ful of my capacity.. mama love both of you so much and know this, mama will always be by your side no matter what.. through thick and thin.. 

Priorities

 

I've always dreaded the fact that i havent had time for myself or do the things that i enjoy doing. Until at one point of time, the things that used to be my favourite or enjoyed doing have become nothing to me. I lost passion for it. I dont enjoy it just as much as i used to. I dont know why. Maybe its because of the aging process hahaha. 

I know one thing for sure, i have started to prioritise. The important ones have always been of my kids and family then work comes second and so everything else. 

But then, i dont know what went wrong. I kinda lost my own self along the way. I dont recognise my own self anymore. I have become someone else entirely and the people that havent seen me for quite a long time even commented that i have changed... 

So does it mean that i have prioritised things wrongly, or what? 

Maybe you should take care of yourself more, mardhiyah. Thats what. 

Do what you have to do, then you can do what you want to do. InsyaAllah. 

I'm back

Hello there people. I think i'm gonna have to get back to writing again. I have become loco in the head due to all the crazy jumbled up thoughts that i cant seem to get it out unless i write it down. 

For the sake of keeping sane, i have to. 

 

Lately, i have thinking about changes. Mainly changes in my life. And i'm talking not talking about small changes.. they're these BIG changes that made my life turn upside down , topsy turvy , and well.. it's a 360 degrees change. All in the past 2-3 years. Scary how such a short time can make your life different. But dont be mistaken, it isnt like im against these changes. Well, im still adapting. Hard. And i tend to learn things the hard way. 

The circumstances have changed. The additional roles that have been given to me; as a wife, as a mother of one at first, and now a mother of two, these changes is a bit too overwhelming for me to adapt to in such a short time. There's this little part inside me that deny all this and all i know is im actually resisting the changes. And it's not good. It's affecting the people around me. The people i hold dearly. The people i love. The people who love me. 

Praying hard that Allah ease the way for me to make changes to myself, in order to serve my family bettter, in order to become a better person as a whole. Aminn. 

Happy 29th birthday, Mardhiyah. 
 

Whatever mom

Oh hi..

Im here at klinik kesihatan putrajay presint 9
Why? Have i fallen ill? or any of my relatives or beloved ones got sick?

No,no.
Im here because I work here.
Yes.

Still am a goverment servant.

Heads up, buddy. It aint that bad.

Right?

I miss my son, badly. Oh wait. I just met him a while ago. My husband came because he's hungry for milk and refused to be bottle fed .. But still, I miss him. Huwaaaa.. Sometimes I feel like quitting my job and become a full time housewife, 24/7 with my baby son.

He's turning 10 months old in 2 days time.

How time flies.

Tanpa dia

Kadang kadang,

Kita akan rasa kita sorang sorang.
Walhal,
Kat sekeliling kita ramai orang.

Mungkin, DIA nak kita tahu.
Kita tak mampu hidup tanpa Dia,
Walaupun dikelilingi ciptaan Dia (‘: