Danger level

I'm about to confess something about myself. Something ugly, disgusting, filthy that resides in me, that I cant seem to dispose off no matter how hard i put my effort in. Or maybe I didnt really put my best effort.

I procrastinate. Know what it means? It means putting things off to the very last minute. Everything is last minute. Not sometimes. Not once in a while.But ALL THE TIME. so at last its going to end up being in rush rush rush. And one thing about me is that I HATE RUSHING. How ironic.

I consistently avoid the things that I need to be doing and deliberately look for distractions which is, unfortunately never fail to turn up and ALWAYS there. I always tell myself I work best under pressure but I'm starting to realise that this is just one of the many lies i tell to myself. Ive been tracking down the various reasons why I'm like this, and mostly it's because of laziness, lack of motivation and discipline. Most of the time it's just my laziness.. my major problem. I'm pretty much organized but when it comes to time management, i fail.

I always tell myself, if u want to start something why wait, might as well do it now. sometimes it works for some tasks but other times it dies off.. like blerghhhh.. Sometimes, even when I'm hungry I tell myself "satlagi ah gi makan" and I let myself starve. I'm starting to think that I maybe suffering from a psychological disorder or mental problem related to this.. I dont know.. I worry but I dont anything to solve it -___-"

Why am I making this entry? Because this morning I realise that it's Sunday and I've got one more week to finish my tailor works, Ive promised to finish the baju kurungs before puasa and I realise there's 2 more kain ela that I need to work on, that doesnt include my sisters and own designs. Got this checklist but half of them is unchecked yet T_T

And to make things worse, I mean, to make me feel worse, I checked my phone this morning when I woke up and it says "unregistered sim" which means my celcom service has been disconnected. DArn it. I put off paying the bills with the reason that I need the money for something else. It wouldnt bother me that much if that celcom number is not important but thats the only number that everyone knows of! I mean, i use that number for formal purposes and also informal ones. And now, ppl cant reach me if I dont pay my bills to get the service connected back again.

I feel really bad right now I wanna kill myself @___________@ I need help people, like seriously. I really dont know what to do with this part of me T_T